[Originally written for The Man Blog]

Name: Fritz Tentativa
Hometown: Binay Town
Birthdate: March 26
Zodiac Sign: Ram the Goatse
Motto: Isprikitikin ang buhay para asteeg!

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Describe yourself.

My IQ is 138 says Facebook’s IQ Test application. I graduated with a degree in BAA, as in “baa baa black sheep, have you Perwool?” I have a decent collection of comicbooks all from the old Vertigo line of DC. That and I would love to make out with Neil Gaiman in public should we get to meet again because he’s my hero. I say “again” because we have met once and he told me by way of an autograph on my American Gods book, “Fritz, dream.” There goes my alibi for falling asleep every damned afternoon at work because I’m obedient to my hero like that.

I have super powers, too. Hold my stare long enough and you will fall in a trance where you’ll think your name is Stella, a star dancer in a stag party or a go-go bar where all 27 of the guests look like a heart-broken Brad Pitt or Alessandra Ambrosio, whatever floats your boat, when in fact you’ll be touching yourself in all the right places and in public. Just don’t let your eyes drift to my unibrow because that alluring facial hair feature can snap you back to reality the way it does almost all the time without fail.

I’m a man with a big heart but I could only ever be “Almost Model.” I have yet to meet a woman with big breasts and a heart big as those breasts.

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What’s your favorite canned food?

Purefoods Corned Beef eaten right off the can with a fork. It’s the only brand I’d eat “raw” because all other brands taste and look like they have a pound of TBP too many (TBP is processed meat/food extender. I know because I know my food stuff like that yo!). Also, entities who eat raw food are cool because vampires are cool. I mean they were cool until that 30 Days of Night movie destroyed the entire vampire race’s image. Come on Ben Templesmith! How’d you let that abomination of a rendition happen the the gold you’ve given life to in print?!

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Who is your first crush?

Elementary school music teacher, Miss Casilao. I don’t think she was that hot, though. When I was a kid, I barely interacted with grown women so seeing a fresh face in campus gives a throb to my bone. She shrugged my advances and all my efforts proved futile as she treated me like the next kid. She wouldn’t get serious with me, said I was too young. I was 7 then. Whenever me and my friends play old school Legend of Kage on old school Nintedo Family Computer, I’d say “that princess is Miss Casilao and I will save her!” Unfortunately, Legend of Kage’s princess proved the dumbest pixel-rendered character to have ever graced the face of video games in that she gets herself abducted an infinite number of times all during her nightly alone-time stroll in the ninja-infested forest. I sucked at playing the game much the same way I do with my real love life so I eventually quit trying on both.

I can has you, princess? I save you nao!

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What’s your favorite reality TV show?

From the sickening context of near-abducting personalities to join the Big Brother house, I propose to the TV Execs behind the show an idea where they could put their scant taste to good use. Why not abduct the truly filthy politicians who plunder, like that other politician who was found guilty only to get pardoned in the end, so they stay off the nation’s moneys for the entire duration of the show? We the people won’t vote so they can all stay inside the house for an extended period doing stupid tasks. The station may still get revenue from said show though because the politician’s family can mobilize their minions to vote using the nation’s moneys and that would translate to a lot of revenue. Keeping them inside would also keep the participants from proposing stupid bills like that ZTE broadband deal and the unfounded basis for the parallel importation of medicine premise.

Here’s another one, since PBB is widely watched anyway, why don’t they let their housemates/contestants lead the nation in a prayer or a spell-chant: that may those in power, who steal money for personal gain, and ten generations after them all become impotent. If that doesn’t end their dynasty, I don’t think anything ever will.

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You did not answer the question, you ass!

It’s Amazing Race nga pala. SRY na!

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Dedication.

May you have the boobie size of your dreams when you grow up. IF you grow up. And may your fertility ooze forth only when needed.

P.S. (written in small lettered cryptic high-schoolish codes): Later. 5:30 pm. Back of the HE Building, usual place, 5 meters through the cogon grass. Hand job. Or blowjob. Whatever, just get me off.

ditto