Had you gone to a Catholic School when you were in Grade School, you’d know what an Annual Play event is. It’s an income-generating-slash-fund-raising project them nuns come up with for us to participate in. Poor children. Pitiful parents. The letter below more than sums up my sentiments on the matter. To complete your reading experience, since the letter is after all from the 80s, please pardon the courier font.
.
.
.
September 25, 1987
.
Our Dear Parents:
.
We are pleased to inform you that your children, Fritz Karl and Zhan Kirby, were handpicked from a student body of 1,500 to participate in the most anticipated Annual Play fund raising event of the school. As Sisters of Charity, we task ourselves with the humble duty to alleviate the hardships suffered by our underprivileged brethren by helping but a handful of them in the most that we can. That, and we are renovating a wing of the Nursery and Kindergarten section of the school to serve as the new Cloister complete with a new Chapel for the Sisters and the students, but primarily for the Sisters. You see, dear Parent, we are still short of funds despite the heavy newspapers and telephone directories we require your children to bring for the year-round Newspaper Drive. Said funds are nowhere near the hundreds of thousands we expect to reap this period of the school term. Far from it. And this saddens the Sisterhood. We implore your generosity because YOU can make a difference. Always remember that kind gestures are rewarded with mansions in the afterlife. Of riches beyond the worldly. Of golden harps you could flaunt as an angel to other angels who only play wooden piccolos and castanets because they are non-givers. Serves them right, but bless their souls, still.
.
This year, it has been decided by the [sic] ungenious Sisters that we hold the Annual Play earlier. A Christmas program. We will be doing Kids’ Praise. Don’t dare ask, “again?!” because we have purchased a brand new cassette tape, the Kids’ Praise! Christmas: Psalty’s Christmas Calamity showcasing the most awesome Christmas songs medley in the known Christmas songs playlist of the 80s! The show will still revolve around our favorite characters Psalty, Psaltina, and those lovely, lovely Booklets: Melody, Harmony, and Rhythm.
.
As it is our priority to expose the children to the so-called theater experience at a very young age, notwithstanding the major lip syncing they would only be doing, plus some hand gestures to make it seem like they are putting up some serious effort to at least satisfy an eager audience also comprised of students (those who were unfortunate enough to not get handpicked) and parents (of children, handpicked or otherwise), we are duty bound to create an experience that is as meaningful and as rewarding to the participants as possible.
.
The hand picked participants will be further divided into two: those with Speaking Parts and the Extras, who from here onwards will be referred to as those with Non-Speaking Parts for the sake of being politically correct, despite the fact that the term “politically correct” hasn’t been coined yet because we are only in the late 80s (duh!). So as not to sound biased, each and everyone of the participants are perceived to play an integral role in the overall production,[sic] either small or minuscule.
.
In this connection, dear Parents, please indulge our request that Fritz Karl and Zhan Kirby be allowed to stay in the afternoons for practice under the able tutelage of Sr. Feliza, overall production coordinator and Guidance Counselor [sic] extrordinaire. Since your children’s safety is our priority, we have arranged with Castro Bus Service to take them home at a special later time at no additional cost, lest they be mugged by those squatter kids from Pio Del Pilar! How barbaric!
.
Zhan Kirby will be portraying a still undisclosed character but surely among those with Speaking Parts because she has the most admirable vocal quality and stage presence. We remember her fondly from a program where we let her do Annie, singing “Tomorrow,” and tagging along Sr. Romiela’s Pomeranian dog in lieu of the big breed that is the original Sandy. Her wig and the dress, both from your personal account, flawlessly made Zhan Kirby resemble the real character! And the freckles! She was just adorable! She definitely has to have Speaking Parts when we have established that you can afford whatever costumes we hurl her way, owing to your overflowing generosity, of course, dear Parents.
.
We had a slight problem when it came to Fritz Karl as he is, which we are quite certain you have already observed firsthand, tone deaf. He sings off key during rehearsals, not that this is important since they will only lip sync and mostly do drumming. He is very timid and keeps to himself, contrary to how his teachers describe his posse’s un-Godlike demeanor when unsupervised. He can always manage to position himself at the farthest end of the queue of boys we have lined up to be Little Drummer Boys. In several instances, I could have sworn I saw him staring blankly into space with a glaze reflecting from his eyes as though his thoughts were wandering off on planning some pranks and thinking this activity is but a sham to milk the parents with more money. As his due punishment, he is therefore tasked to take charge of being the guardian of the broom box in his homeroom where he will have to stay late until the Cleaners of the day are done with the sweeping.
.
Since you, dear Parents, are generous, we will keep him for the Non-Speaking Parts. Please do not expect him to appear on stage in more than one scene as we have hundreds of other Non-Speaking Parts also deserving of a 3-minute appearance, all donning expensive costumes made exclusively for us by the supplier of our choice, kickback and all.
.
During the show, all participants will be well fed with either a piece of Dunkin’ Donuts or sugar-on-margarine-spread-over-Tasty-Bread coupled with an unlimited helping of weak orange juice for drinks.
.
We will be in touch through your children’s School Diaries when the event’s tickets are ready for distribution. You will be required to sell your ticket ration at cost. We will not be giving out complimentary tickets, we hope you understand, as we would like to maximize the show’s proceeds, spread over three nights with one special matinée run, all in the name of Charity.
.
We look forward to your favorable response regarding this matter, Our dear Parents.
.
Yours truly and one with Charity,
.
.
Sr. Esmeralda Ramona Francisco, [sic] CPA
(signed)
.
.
P.S.
.
There is no absolute truth that The Sisters of Charity splurge on Marks and Spencer undergarments as it is only 1987 and Marks & Spencer has yet to reach our shores in the late 1990s. Those nuns may have been from another convent also donning the same gray colored habit. Besides, my trunk couldn’t fit into those expensively luxurious garments even if I were to pray the novena forty times over. Por jos, por santo, maawaing langit!
.